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This the situation: Your friend seems angry.

You wonder if they’re really angry or if you’re misreading them.

Should you say something to them? You have that internal dialogue of “No, it’s not a big deal.” “Maybe I’m just judging them.” “I feel like I should really say something.”

In these moments, what do you do? How do you share something that could be corrective? And how do you do it graciously?

Just so we’re on the same page, in a previous post we defined correction like this. Correction is when someone shares a thought or question related to a statement, action, or attitude that was potentially sinful, unhelpful or unwise.

Galatians 6:1-2 says “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

I love these verses. Your friend is caught. You have the ability to help. When you do help, do it gently. You are helping to restore them to a vibrant walk with God. And watch out, don't get proud as though you do not have the potential to sin in similar ways—watch yourself that you don't get tempted as well.

Then there is a great command: Carry each others burdens. We have a command from God to carry each others burdens. Which means, at times, that we bear burdens by sharing correction.

How do we do this? If a friend is caught in a sin, we do everything we can to gently restore. In other words, we gently correct. Did you know you signed up for this when you were called by Christ? Jesus has enlisted you in taking care of his people. You really are your brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. You should be correcting your friends and carrying their burdens. It’s grace to them.

So how do you gently correct? Well, I can't say that I am an expert in this—I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned a lot about what not to do. I have also picked up how to correct from wiser and godlier men like C.J. Mahaney, Kenneth Maresco (who has been my mentor for many years) and Bob Kauflin (who leads worship at my church).

This is some of what I have learned. If you see something you think you should share with a friend that is corrective, start by asking your own heart some questions. You may not be objective in this especially when something has been done against you personally.

These are some questions I have found helpful:
1. Am I sharing my thought with them because I am personally offended or personally irritated?
2. Am I sharing my thought with them out of self-righteous judgment? This is especially applicable to issues of preference and issues of conscience.
3. Am I sharing my thought out of impatience because I am tired of the way it affects me or others?
4. Am I coming with conclusions or questions? (Read Chapter 10 of Charity and its Fruits by Jonathan Edwards if you want to read more about this.)

If you find sin in your own heart as you answer these questions, then repent before you share any corrective thought.

[One side note: Don’t believe the lie that if you’re sinning in your heart you’re disqualified from sharing what you have to say. If you waited until you were not self-righteous, impatient, or personally offended by the other person’s sin before you correct them you’d be waiting a long time.]

Here are other questions to ask: Is the issue a pattern? And how well do you know the person?

I think it’s a general point of wisdom that we should share thoughts with people if the issue is a pattern, not just a one time thing. Now, this could be different if you are very close friends and there is a level of trust in the relationship that can handle it. I know that there are a few friends I have who I have enlisted to help me battle my sins and I have told them very clearly, “I want you to share all your thoughts about me and my marriage and my parenting.” I don't want them to wait for patterns. But I have a deep relationship with these men and they know me, my sin patterns, and the idols of my heart very well.

Another issue of wisdom is to be careful sharing thoughts with people you don't know. If you don't have a friendship with the person, then it is probably not wise to share corrective thoughts with them. Trust God that they have people in their life to help them. However, when you become a member of a local church, you are committing your life to caring for and encouraging that community of believers. This means that there may be times when God calls you to correct somebody you don't know very well. I think these instances may arise if the person’s sin is very pronounced and public.

Part 2 continues…later…


( i got this from the new attitude site, and i thought it was really helpful and pretty super.)
*jenny james